Bad Puns to Make Your Friends Laugh

“Boulder,” he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, “THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!”

1. I bought some shoes on the drug black market…I don’t know what they’re laced with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
2. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off!
3. Bad puns…it’s how eye roll.
4. I’m no cheetah…you’re lion!
5. Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence!
6. Never date someone cross-eyed… You’ll always catch them seeing other people on the side!
7. What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
8. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
9. Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!
10. One lung said to another…we be-lung together!
11. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!
12. I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass!
13. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
14. I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!
15. What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee!
16. Sure, I drink brake fluid. But I can stop anytime!
17. My girlfriend thought I’d never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta!
18. Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
19. What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick? Put it on my bill!
20. Cactus puns are simply succulent.
21. A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!
22. I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
23. Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door. He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
24. I just found out that I’m color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
25. What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi!
26. Whenever I undress in the bathroom… My shower gets turned on!
27. I was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, “That sure is a big rock!”
28. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!
29. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!
30. What did syrup to the waffle? I love you a waffle lot!
31. Who is the penguin’s favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!
32. The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!
33. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink!
34. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… “That’s the last thing I need!”

Funny Puns to Tell on a Whim

Time flies like an arrow… Fruit flies like a banana!

34. Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!
35. What do you do with chemists when they die? Barium!
36. The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar. It was tense!
37. How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
38. You really shouldn’t be intimidated by advanced math…it’s easy as pi!
39. I once met a pig that did karate…we called him Pork Chop!
40. What should a lawyer always wear to a court? A good lawsuit!
41. Somebody stole all my lamps….and I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
42. My wife refuses to go to a nude beach with me…I think she’s just being clothes-minded!
43. My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
44. What did the hamburger name it’s baby? Patty!
45. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!
46. Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they’re having trouble installing Windows!
47. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!
48. I’ve started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!
49. I have a few jokes about unemployed people… But none of them work!
50. Every soccer player’s favorite beverage? Penal-tea!
51. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up!
52. What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller!
53. Why do eggs hate jokes? The answer cracks them up!
54. I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me!
55. Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!
56. I’m glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy!
57. Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
58. My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
59. Did you hear about the guy who had his left leg and left arm amputated after a car crash? He’s all right now!
60. I became a vegetarian. Huge missed-steak!
61. What should you call an average potato? A commen-tator!
62. Why did the grizzly hate this article? He couldn’t bear puns!